The Narcissist's Prayer: Understanding the Narcissistic Mind

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. People with NPD often believe they are superior to others and deserve special treatment. They may also be very critical of others, but highly sensitive to criticism themselves.   

The "Narcissist's Prayer" is a poem by Dayna Craig that captures the inner thoughts and feelings of someone with NPD. The prayer expresses a desire for others to admire and serve the narcissist, while also blaming others for the narcissist's own problems.

Here is the text of the narcissist's prayer:

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it.

The narcissist's prayer reveals the entitlement and selfishness that are hallmarks of NPD. It also highlights the narcissist's deep-seated fear of failure and rejection.

The defensive line up of a person with NPD or Emotionally Immature Tendencies.

DENIAL:

Almost always you will be met with denial (That didn't happen) and it will often be combined with historical revisionism (no, you said...)—both are typical narcissistic behaviors. If you've experienced a relationship with a narcissist, you will immediately recognize this. Narcissists have a fundamental need to feel good about themselves. This is a crucial aspect of the personality disorder. They have an intense need to feel special or perfect to distract themselves from their core wound, which is an underlying sense of worthlessness. They cannot accept blame for bad [as they define it] behavior, as it would threaten the image they need to present to the world, so they simply deny it.

MINIMIZATION:

Minimization is another strategy ingrained in the narcissistic brain due to their response to upbringing. They downplay the subject at hand (it wasn't that bad), making it appear insignificant. To a narcissist, if something doesn’t benefit them, it holds no importance. Narcissists will minimize almost everything. They will minimize their own poor behavior AND someone else’s achievements if it conflicts with how it causes them to feel about themselves. Narcissists are inherently controlling—they must manage their image and how others perceive them, and they must control others to avoid facing the reality of their own fragile egos. Here, they aim to control how others view external situations.

GASLIGHTING:

Gaslighting is a specific narcissistic behavior in which the narcissist denies another person’s reality, by making them think that they are perceiving something incorrectly. "You are thinking about it all wrong" is a common narcissistic refrain, in one form or another. If this happens enough times, eventually the victim stops trusting themselves, and starts to rely upon the narcissist in their lives as the ‘voice of reason’ or as the barometer of what is good or right. Some narcissists can be so adept at gaslighting they can tell tell their partner they drinking tea even after they have been observed making a cup of coffee. After long enough time, the partner will just stop arguing and shut down, even stonewall [a topic for a future blog]. This keeps the victim exactly where the narcissist wants them to be - trapped in their metaphorical cage where they can be manipulated and used to give attention, adoration, drama or conflict to the narcissist, whenever they need it - the oxygen that keeps the narcissist feeling whole and alive.

BLAMESHIFTING:

Blameshifting is easily recognizable to the partner receiving it and very difficult to defend against (that's not MY fault). Narcissists cannot accept blame for anything, as doing so would require them to admit they are not perfect and special, which they must believe in their own minds. Even allowing the slightest bit of accountability to penetrate their armor of superiority would cause the entire false persona they present to the world to collapse, leaving them exposed, ashamed, and vulnerable. All narcissists play the victim when necessary. Nothing is ever their fault—it is always someone else's fault, and they are merely the helpless victims of circumstance.

NON-APOLOGIES:

Once again, accountability issues are prominent here. Narcissists never sincerely apologize (I didn't mean it). If they do apologize, it's only because it serves their interests—apologies are transactional, like everything else to a narcissist. They cannot be perceived as the villain and cannot endure shame. The intense feeling of shame, the humiliation that healthy individuals learn to cope with, is something a narcissist cannot permit themselves to experience. For them, shame feels like an existential crisis, and they must deflect it at all costs, usually onto someone else.

PROJECTION:

When all else fails project and blameshift again the fault on someone else (you deserved it) often in the form of "you made me do this." When, in defeat you accept your own "part" in the conflict, victory belongs to the narcissist in rewriting history in their own mind to get their impeccable image back on track. This act of transferring their own emotions or behaviors onto someone else to avoid experiencing guilt of any sort is called 'projection,' and narcissists excel at it. If a narcissist falsely accuses you of feeling something, doing something, or being a certain way, it is likely they are projecting onto you, and they are the ones actually experiencing that emotion, performing that action, or embodying that trait. In this last line of the Narcissist's Prayer, all shame is transferred to you. You become the scapegoat for their shame , allowing their false external image to remain intact. Narcissists often use illogical arguments to convince you that something is your fault or that you have misunderstood, presenting them with such convincing flair that you end up deceived or at least just give up the argument. They frequently shift the direction of their arguments so rapidly that you are left completely bewildered.

Narcissism is reportedly becoming more common, mostly due to western culture's influence of individualism and praise for the smallest accomplishment or minimal attempt. With cultural narcissism deeply rooted in society, individuals exhibiting strong narcissistic traits tend to thrive in the current socio-political environment, where attributes like prosperity, success, grandiosity, and entitlement are generally viewed positively. Unfortunately, the significant negative impact people with narcissistic traits have on society and individuals is all to frequently ignored and at worst stigmatized.

Remember these phrases? Big girls/boys don't cry. Pull yourself together. Therapy is for the weak.

Stigmatizing statements like these and others not listed here prevents anyone from learning from their mistakes. It just adds a layer of shame for a behavior and an expectation for the behavior to stop by any means possible.

Signs of Narcissistic Behavior

There are many signs of narcissistic behavior. Here are a few of the most common:

• An inflated sense of self-importance

• A deep need for admiration

• A lack of empathy for others

• A sense of entitlement

• Arrogant or haughty behavior

• A tendency to exploit others

• A belief that they are better than others

• A hypersensitivity to criticism

• A tendency to blame others for their own problems

If you are in a relationship with someone who exhibits these signs, you are usually outmatched. It is important to seek help from a therapist who can help you to understand the narcissist's behavior and develop coping mechanisms.