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When conflict escalates in a marriage or relationship, it is common to look for explanations online or in social media. Often, lists highlighting "toxic" or "narcissistic" behaviors circulate. In clinical relationship research, however, these behaviors are rarely one-sided personality flaws. Instead, they are common protective reactions that both partners use when feeling misunderstood, hurt, or emotionally unsafe. When we label each other, defenses go up and communication

When someone asks, "How do you feel right now?", what happens inside you? For many people, the response isn't a clear emotional label—it is an internal freeze. Direct emotional inquiry can feel less like an invitation to connect and more like a high-pressure pop quiz. When put on the spot, the brain scrambles into problem-solving mode: What is the correct answer? How do I explain this? For those who grew up in environments where emotions were unsafe, or for analytical and neu

When most of us think about seasonal depression, our minds immediately picture gray skies, freezing temperatures, and the sluggish urge to hibernate through the dark days of winter. For a long time, that was my understanding as well. However, living in a rural, arid desert environment taught me a very different lesson about how the climate can impact our emotional health. In the desert, we are accustomed to extremely dry heat where humidity typically hovers well below 20%. Bu

If you live in a dry, arid climate, you know the summer routine. We brace for high temperatures, but we take comfort in the familiar refrain: "At least it’s a dry heat." Our bodies adapt to that dry environment. But when seasonal monsoonal weather patterns shift into gear, bringing sudden spikes in relative humidity, the whole environment changes—and so does our nervous system. If you’ve felt unusually heavy, anxious, or irritable during these humid stretches this year, you a

Have you ever experienced an argument with your partner spiral out of control and wondered, “Who are we right now? This isn’t who we really are.” You might start a conversation hoping to share that you feel lonely or overwhelmed. But by the time the words leave your mouth, they sound like criticism. Your partner immediately puts up their armor, shoots back a defensive reply, and suddenly you are both locked in a battle. In these moments, you aren't actually communicating with

How many times have you sat in a brainstorming meeting, threw a bold new idea onto the whiteboard, and watched someone immediately shoot it down with: "That's way too expensive," "We don't have the staff for that," or "That'll never work in our market"? Or perhaps you’ve experienced the opposite: a fantastic, blue-sky planning session where everyone leaves energized—only for the idea to fizzle out weeks later because nobody built an actual execution plan. When great ideas die

If you’ve ever felt like your mind is an internal battlefield, you are in good company. Psychotherapy has spent over a century trying to map this inner terrain. Two of the most famous frameworks for doing this are Sigmund Freud’s Psychoanalysis and Dr. Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS). At first glance, they seem to be talking about the exact same thing: the idea that the human mind is made up of different "parts." Because of this, people often try to integrate

Have you ever felt like a "part" of you wanted one thing, while another "part" felt the complete opposite? In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we recognize that our minds are naturally made up of different "sub-personalities" or Parts . While some of these parts may act in ways that feel problematic, IFS operates on a transformative core belief: Every part has a positive intention for you. Beneath these parts lies your Self —a core of calm, compassion, and clarity that

Earlier this year, I set out to write three blogs a week. I had a vision, a schedule, and a 12-step series ready to go. I was energized, focused, and—if I’m being honest—a little bit driven by a high-functioning Manager part that loves a finish line. But by week four, the screen stayed blank. In the traditional behavioral world of SMART goals, we’d call that a failure. We’d say I lacked discipline or that my "Time-bound" parameters were off. But in the world of Internal Fami

Step 3: What if My Parts "Jerk the Wheel" Back? This week, we’ve been exploring Step 3: Trust . We practiced the physical sensation of "leaning back" on Monday, and on Wednesday, we looked at how to negotiate a "pilot program" of trust with our protective parts. But let’s be honest: trust isn't a straight line. Sometimes we "turn it over" at 8:00 AM, and by 10:00 AM, a part of us has grabbed the steering wheel again. This is a normal part of the process. Let’s look at some co

Step 3: Trust—Negotiating the Internal Handover In our Monday post, we practiced the physical sensation of "leaning back." Today, we look at the internal logistics of that move. Traditional Step 3 says: "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." In our re-imagined framework, we see this as: “We made a decision to open our hearts and bodies to the guidance of our Higher Power and the leadership of our Self.” The "Decision

Step 3: The Sensation of Trust—Learning to "Lean Back" Last week, we found the "Pilot Light"—that spark of Self-Energy that exists even in the middle of a storm. This week, we move to Step 3: Trust. Our re-imagined Step 3 is: “We made a decision to open our hearts and bodies to the guidance of our Higher Power and the leadership of our Self.” Surrender vs. Collapse In the body, there is a big difference between Collapse and Surrender . Collapse is when our parts give up. It

Step 2: Can I Really Trust This "Healing Presence"? This week, we’ve been exploring Step 2: Hope . We found the "Pilot Light" in our bodies on Monday, and on Wednesday, we looked at how Self-Energy (the 8 C's) and a Higher Power can bring harmony to our internal system. But for many of us, the idea of "hope" feels dangerous. If you have been disappointed or hurt in the past, your parts might be working overtime to protect you from being let down again. Let’s look at some of

Step 2: Hope—The Emergence of the Healing Presence Last week, we acknowledged the unmanageability of our internal system—the "tug-of-war" between our Managers (who try to control) and our Firefighters (who try to numb). Admitting this can leave us feeling raw. That’s why Step 2 is so vital. In our re-imagined framework, Step 2 is: "We came to believe that a Healing Presence (Self-Energy) and a Higher Power could bring clarity and harmony to our internal system." Beyond the

Step 2: The Sensation of Hope—Finding the "Pilot Light" Last week, we got honest about the "tug-of-war" inside. We noticed the bracing of our Managers and the pull of our Firefighters. It can be exhausting to realize how much internal conflict we’ve been carrying. Today, we move toward Hope . In our IFS-Integrated model, Step 2 is: "We came to believe that a Healing Presence (Self-Energy) and a Higher Power could bring clarity and harmony to our internal system." Hope is Not

Step 1: Answering Your Fears About Powerlessness This week, we've begun our journey into Step 1: Honesty . On Monday, we felt the "unmanageable" system in our bodies. On Wednesday, we understood the Polarization of Protectors that creates that internal tug-of-war. Today, we address the common questions and fears that arise when we contemplate "powerlessness." It’s natural for parts of us to resist this idea. Let's give voice to those concerns and offer an IFS perspective. Q1

Step 1: Honesty—The War Within In our Monday post, we explored the somatic "tug-of-war" in our bodies. Today, we go deeper into why that rope-pull is happening. In traditional recovery, Step 1 says: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." Through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can expand this definition. Unmanageability isn't just about what is happening in your bank account or your relationships; it is about the Ci

Step 1: Feeling the "Unmanageable" System Welcome to the first day of our 12-week journey, The 12-Steps Re-imagined . When we talk about Step 1, we often focus on the external—the substance, the behavior, or the chaos in our lives. But today, we are going to look inward . In our IFS-Integrated model, Step 1 is about acknowledging that our internal system has become polarized . What is Polarization? Imagine two people in your body pulling a rope in opposite directions. One par

Happy New Year. I took a little time off, so welcome to the first Blog of 2026. If you’ve spent any time in a 12-Step room, you know the weight of Steps 6 and 7. You’re asked to become "entirely ready" to have God remove your defects of character. For many, this is where the engine of recovery starts to stall. I’ve sat with many clients who feel a deep, unspoken resistance during this phase. But I don't just see this as a therapist; I speak as a fellow traveler in recovery

As the confetti settles and the new year begins, many of us are caught up in the tradition of setting New Year's resolutions. It's a time...