The Unfinished Breakfast and the Whispers of Yesterday: Noticing Shifts and Allowing Internal Updates

This morning, a seemingly simple act – washing the breakfast dishes – offered a small but profound glimpse into the fascinating world of our inner lives. As I stacked the empty bowls, I noticed my wife’s. Unlike mine, it still held a few spoonfuls of leftover breakfast. A fleeting thought, almost a flicker, sparked within me, quickly followed by a wave of familiar but intense feelings.

In that instant, I was no longer just Walter, the adult washing dishes in my desert home. A younger version of myself sat at the table in the kitchen of my childhood, my father’s stern figure looming over me. The expected rule, often delivered with unwavering conviction, echoed in my mind: "You will finish your meal. If not now, then at the next one." Clean your plate. No waste allowed.

The emotional shift was rapid. A tightness in my chest, a subtle rebellion stirring within. It was a familiar feeling, one I hadn't consciously accessed in a long time. But then, something wonderful happened. I noticed. I paused. I felt the echo of the past mingling with the present moment.

And then, I started to laugh.

It wasn't a laugh of mockery or dismissal, but a gentle, knowing chuckle. In that laughter, something shifted. It was as if a spotlight had been shone on this old, ingrained program running in the background. I found myself, internally, offering reassurance to that younger part of me that still flinched at the sight of unfinished food. "It's okay," I thought, "You're not that little boy anymore. You get to decide what's right for you now."

Interestingly, I had finished my own breakfast completely. There was no "should" or "must" in that decision, it simply felt right. And I recognized that this freedom (what feels right) didn't need to extend as an expectation to my wife. Her choices around her breakfast were entirely her own.

This seemingly minor incident became a beautiful example of what I often see in my work and what I believe is a crucial aspect of our inner well-being: the ability to notice these real-time shifts in our emotions and thought patterns and to allow for what I, and the IFS therapeutic modality, call the "updating process."

Think of it like this: we all carry internal "parts" – aspects of ourselves that have developed throughout our lives in response to our experiences. These parts hold beliefs, emotions, and protective strategies, some of which were incredibly helpful in the past but may no longer serve us in the present. The memory of my father’s expectation, held by a younger part of me, flared up in response to a similar situation.

However, as adults, we have the capacity to observe these parts with Self-energy: a place of calm, curiosity, compassion, and clarity within us. From this place of Self, we can acknowledge the feelings of these younger parts, understand their origins, and offer them reassurance and updated perspectives.

In my case, the laughter was a signal that this shift was happening. It indicated a release of tension and a gentle acknowledgment of the past without being bound by it in the present. I could see that my father, in his own way, was likely also operating from his own set of beliefs and experiences, perhaps even his own well-meaning but firm "parts" that feared waste – a pattern possibly passed down through generations. Understanding the potential roots of his behavior allows for greater compassion, both for him and for the younger part of me that carried that expectation.

The beauty lies in noticing these echoes from the past in our present-day experiences. When we become aware of these shifts, we gain the opportunity to engage with our inner world with kindness and understanding. We can reassure those younger parts, update their beliefs based on our current reality, and create more freedom and flexibility in our responses.

This simple moment by the sink served as a powerful reminder: by paying attention to our internal shifts and allowing for these gentle updates, we can move towards a more integrated and harmonious inner system. And that, I believe, is a journey worth embarking on.