How to Support a Partner with a Harsh Inner Critic

When your partner is struggling with a harsh inner critic, it can be tough to know what to do. You want to help, but sometimes your well-intentioned advice falls flat. The key is to understand that the inner critic isn’t a flaw to be fixed, but a protective part of your partner’s internal system. By integrating approaches like IFS and Somatic Awareness, you can move beyond simply managing the critic and help your partner build a new relationship with themselves.

1. Active Listening and Somatic Validation

• Pay Attention to More Than Just Words: When your partner is speaking, listen not only to their words but also to the emotions behind them. What is the tone of their voice? Are their shoulders tense? Are they avoiding eye contact? This is a key part of somatic awareness. By noticing these physical cues, you get a fuller picture of their experience.

• Reflect and Validate: When you reflect back, include their feelings and the potential internal message. For example, instead of just saying, "It sounds like you're feeling down about the situation," you could say, "It sounds like you’re feeling a lot of pressure, and there's a part of you that’s being very critical about this." This acknowledges their emotional reality and the internal system at play.

• Validate the Feeling, Not the Story: You don't have to agree with the critic's harsh message, but you can always validate the feeling it's causing. Say things like, "It makes sense that you'd feel hurt and frustrated when you hear those kinds of thoughts." This shows that you are with them in their emotional experience, which is a core tenet of Somatic Experiencing.

2. Encouraging Self-Compassion and Internal Dialogue (IFS)

The goal isn't to get rid of the critic, but to help your partner befriend it.

• Acknowledge the Critic's Positive Intent: The harsh critic is almost always a protector. It's often trying to prevent something worse, like shame or failure. You can gently prompt your partner to consider this. For example, "It sounds like that voice is trying to keep you from getting hurt. What do you think it's worried about?" This encourages your partner to see their critic not as an enemy, but as a misguided protector.

• Highlight Strengths with Self-Energy: When you highlight their strengths, do so with calm, confident Self-energy. Instead of arguing with the critic, you are simply providing an alternative perspective. For example, "I know that part of you is being really hard right now, but I see how much hard work you put into that, and I'm really proud of you for that effort."

• Help Them See Their Critic as a Separate Part: Use language that separates your partner from the critical voice. Instead of saying, "You're too hard on yourself," you might say, "It sounds like there's a part of you that’s being really hard on you right now." This simple shift in language helps your partner create space and gain perspective.

3. Promoting Healthy Self-Care and Mindful Action (DBT & ACT)

• Mindful Relaxation and Sensory Awareness: Beyond suggesting relaxation, encourage your partner to use these techniques to connect with their body. A DBT skill like TIPP (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Paired muscle relaxation) can be a great tool for immediate stress relief.

• Support Purposeful Action (ACT): When the inner critic is loud, it can lead to inaction. Encourage your partner to identify small, meaningful actions they can take that align with their values, regardless of how they feel. This is a core concept of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). For example, "I know that part of you is saying it's not worth it, but let's go for that walk we talked about. I'd love to spend that time with you."

• Prioritize Sleep and Healthy Habits: A healthy body supports a healthy mind. Encouraging these habits is a way to help regulate their nervous system, which makes it easier for them to manage the inner critic's intensity.

Important Considerations

• Focus on Support, Not Fixing: This is a vital point to reiterate. Your role is to be a supportive and compassionate presence, not a therapist.

• Be a Grounding Presence: Your calm demeanor can be a powerful anchor for your partner. By remaining grounded and regulated yourself, you can help them co-regulate, which is a key concept in somatic therapy.

• Take Care of Yourself: Your point on self-care is essential. Supporting a loved one can be emotionally taxing, and it's important to have your own outlets for stress relief.