The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse: How to Recognize and Escape

A relationship with a narcissistic person can be described as a rollercoaster with emotional ups and downs... but after abuse, its like the roller coaster was hit by a tornado.

If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you're likely familiar with the confusing cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard. This cycle can be incredibly damaging to your emotional well-being, leaving you feeling confused, hurt, and unsure of yourself.

Understanding the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of behavior that narcissists use to control and manipulate their partners. Here are the three stages of the cycle:

1. Idealization: In the beginning, the narcissist will shower you with affection and attention. They will make you feel like you're the most special person in the world. This is often referred to as the "love bombing" stage.

2. Devaluation: Once the narcissist has you hooked, they will start to devalue you. They may become critical, insulting, or even abusive. They may also start to withdraw affection and attention.

3. Discard: Eventually, the narcissist will discard you. This could be a sudden and complete break-up, or it could be a gradual withdrawal. The narcissist may even try to blame you for the end of the relationship.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

This cycle, while similar to the general cycle of abuse, has distinct characteristics:

• Defining Event: A minor event, real or perceived, triggers a narcissistic outburst. This could be a perceived slight, a loss of control, or even a successful achievement by the partner.

• Regaining Control: The narcissist seeks to regain control by shifting blame onto the partner, often through gaslighting or manipulation.

• Peace and Quiet: A temporary period of calm ensues, often with the partner attempting to appease the narcissist. Sometimes referred to as the "Honeymoon Phase" by researchers and authors of this topic.

• Tension Buildup: As the narcissist's control weakens, tension begins to build, leading to another outburst and the repetition of the cycle.

Key Differences from Healthy Relationships

• Lack of Mutual Respect: Healthy relationships prioritize mutual respect and understanding. Narcissistic relationships are characterized by an imbalance of power and a lack of consideration for the partner's feelings.

• Focus on Control: The primary goal of the narcissist is to maintain control and dominance within the relationship.

• Lack of Problem-Solving: Instead of working together to resolve issues, narcissists focus on blaming and manipulating their partners.

Why is the Cycle So Confusing?

The narcissistic cycle of abuse is so confusing because it's like an emotional rollercoaster. The highs of idealization make it hard to believe the lows of devaluation. You may keep hoping that the narcissist will go back to the way they were in the beginning. You may keep trying to "make the narcissist happy" but this is a moving target that is impossible to hit consistently.

How to Escape the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

If you're stuck in the narcissistic cycle of abuse, it's important to get out. Here are some tips:

• Educate yourself: Learn about narcissism and the narcissistic cycle of abuse. This will help you to understand what's happening and why.

• Recognize the red flags: Pay attention to the warning signs of narcissistic abuse. These include idealization, devaluation, gaslighting, and isolation.

• Set boundaries: Don't allow the narcissist to treat you disrespectfully. Set boundaries and stick to them.

• Go no contact: If possible, cut off all contact with the narcissist. This will help you to break free from their control and focus on healing.

• Seek professional help: A therapist can provide support and guidance as you heal from the emotional abuse you've experienced.

Remember, you are not alone. Many people have been through narcissistic abuse. With time and effort, you can heal from this experience and build a happy, healthy life.

Here are some additional things to keep in mind:

• Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself.

• Don't be afraid to set boundaries with friends or family who may minimize your experience.

• There will be good days and bad days. That's normal.

• Celebrate your progress, no matter how small.

Breaking free from the narcissistic cycle of abuse is possible. By educating yourself and taking steps to protect yourself, you can build a future free from manipulation and control.