Q&A Friday: Week 3 The 12-Steps Re-imagined

Step 3: What if My Parts "Jerk the Wheel" Back?

This week, we’ve been exploring Step 3: Trust. We practiced the physical sensation of "leaning back" on Monday, and on Wednesday, we looked at how to negotiate a "pilot program" of trust with our protective parts.

But let’s be honest: trust isn't a straight line. Sometimes we "turn it over" at 8:00 AM, and by 10:00 AM, a part of us has grabbed the steering wheel again. This is a normal part of the process. Let’s look at some common questions about navigating this stage.

Q1: "I made the decision to trust, but an hour later I was back to micromanaging and obsessing. Did I fail Step 3?"

IFS Answer: Not at all. In fact, noticing that you’ve grabbed the wheel back is a sign of Self-Awareness—which is a huge win!

When you find yourself micromanaging again, it just means a Manager part got spooked. Instead of judging yourself, try to be curious. Say to that part: "I notice you’ve stepped back in to take control. What just happened that made you feel like we weren't safe?" Usually, you’ll find that a small stressor triggered a fear, and the part did exactly what it was trained to do: protect you. Acknowledging the part helps it relax again.

Q2: "What if I don't like the way my Higher Power or my 'Self' is leading?"

IFS Answer: This is a very common concern for parts that have high standards or a need for specific outcomes. If you feel frustrated with the "pace" of your healing, that frustration is likely coming from a Part, not your core Self.

Trusting the "leadership of the Self" means trusting the process, not just the results. If a part is unhappy with the results, invite it to talk to you. Ask it: "What are you afraid will happen if things don't go exactly the way you planned?" Building trust means being honest about these fears, not burying them.

Q3: "How do I know the difference between 'Self-Leadership' and just another Manager part pretending to be in charge?"

IFS Answer: This is a great question. We check the "somatic signature."

• A Manager part pretending to lead often feels like "should," "must," or a subtle pressure in the chest or head. It feels like effort.

• Self-Leadership feels like the 8 C’s—especially Calm and Curiosity. It feels like "spaciousness." If you feel like you are "trying hard" to be in Step 3, you are likely blended with a part. If you feel like you are "leaning back" and observing, you are in Self.

Q4: "I'm a 'Control Freak.' Is Step 3 even possible for me?"

IFS Answer: In this model, we don't say "I am a control freak." We say, "I have parts that use control to keep me safe." When we change the language, the shame disappears.

Step 3 is actually most effective for people with strong controlling parts. Why? Because those parts are exhausted. They don't actually want to be in control; they just don't think anyone else can do the job. As you consistently show these parts that your Self and your Higher Power are reliable, they will eventually be the first ones to want to go on vacation!

Weekend Reflection:

This weekend, don't worry about "staying" in Step 3 perfectly. Instead, just notice the "Handover." Every time you realize you are bracing or controlling, see if you can "lean back" for just three deep breaths.

Weekend Mantra: "I am learning to be led. It is okay for my protectors to rest."